 The readers of the blog always ask me to share my negative swinger party experiences with them. After the last swing party I went to which was NOT hosted by me, I almost swore off  going to any more. Why? Well, if you recall, the host of this so-called swingers party never bothered to show up and promised us "dozens" of hot couples and single ladies who also mysteriously vanished without any notice. I guess one good thing did come out of the bad experience--we got to meet my friend Leilene and her boyfriend Charlie.
Nevertheless, I thought if I could go to each every swingers party and club in NYC and write about how bad they are, I may be able to help out some of you readers who always ask me for "recommendations." When I say that I honestly cannot recommend any other parties, I'm not kidding. At least the stories detailing these awful parties are entertaining. I never call out parties by name, out of respect and since I throw my own events. But, I will remain steadfast in my mission in exposing these other parties for what they are.
Ever since Time Out NY featured me in their "Secret Life" cover story as a professional by day and swing party hostess and blogger by night, many party promoters in the swing scene have tried (and failed) to emulate my parties. They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but I don't appreciate the fact that these promoters straight up lie. What makes my parties so unique is the fact that I am an intelligent, open-minded woman in my 20's and a real swinger. I throw parties for FUN and consistently offer a tremendous value as compared with any other party in the city. I know what women want and more importantly, I know what women DON'T want. The guests at the party appreciate the fact that I screen everyone attending and it ensures that everyone has a great time.
When I recently received an email from a woman on a popular swingers personal site inviting me out to her weekly "swingers" party, I was thrilled at the potential of meeting another lady like myself! Could it be that another REAL woman (and not a man pretending to be  one) runs hot, swinger parties in the city? Was I about to find my new best friend?
The hostess, "LuAnn", asked me for some assistance in writing up a confirmation email to all her attending guests. English is LuAnn's second language and I was more than happy to offer my assistance to her so I sent her a copy of a letter I send all my confirmed guests. LuAnn decided to use my letter by copying and pasting almost the entire thing! I would not have cared if the rules pertained in this letter were actually followed and the description was an accurate representation of LuAnn's party. However, I later found out what a sham LuAnn and her swinger parties are.
LuAnn hosted the party at her apartment. She told me that she knew a couple of cute single men and that she would be inviting them to the party. I was eager to go to a party open to single men -- it's been a long drought since my trip to Trapeze Club in Atlanta (not to be confused with Le Trapeze in NYC). Rocco and I arrived promptly, as we always do. We buzzed in and made our way to the apartment, located on the ground floor. As soon as we walked into the tiny apartment, I was a bit puzzled. How could LuAnn possibly host a party in this space? And, her party wasn't cheap. The door fee was $50 for couples and $120 for single guys.
For that kind of money, you could attend a party at a club or loft location! Already, I was suspicious of this "party" but I continued to check out the place. The apartment was small, approximately 400 square feet. LuAnn showed us the "bottom" basement level of the apartment where she had laid out some of those cheap, Coleman airbeds (not to be confused with the top of the line, Premiere Aerobeds). The apartment was shabby and NOT shabby chic. LuAnn informed us that some foreigners were actually renting out the bottom level of the apartment. Immediately, I was disgusted by the fact that someone else had been sleeping on the airbeds that we were supposed to fuck on. What about clean sheets and good hygiene? If this was my first time at a swingers party, I would have ran out in shock. But, sadly, I have been to worse, so I decided to stay for a little longer. After all, I needed some juicy material for you readers!
I introduced myself and Rocco to the 3 single men and one woman already at the party. There was something very peculiar about this single lady...I thought to myself. Something just didn't seem right. The lady, let's call her "Lala," was flirting with two of the single males in Spanish. Another single male was kind enough to introduce himself to me and Rocco. He asked us, "Is this your first party? Have you guys ever been anywhere like this before?" Oh boy, what a question! If this man only knew...
Some time passed and I noticed LuAnn greeting more and more single males at the door. She was really packing the house with sausage. The vast majority of these guys were just nasty. You can't promise people a swingers party without any swingers. Before I knew it, LuAnn brought out some body paint and tried to get the single guys to paint her. The party was really beginning to take a turn for the worse. These forced games never work and I started to get a sour feeling in my stomach. There's a huge problem when there is a lack of organic and comfortable  environment. None of the men even volunteered to paint LuAnn. Her friend Lala tried to convince the guys as well. As I looked at Lala engaging with the men, I made a startling realization. Once again, I was not at a swingers party. Instead, once again, I had found myself in a place of prostitution. I say once again, because sadly, I had been to more than a few swingers parties that turned out to be anything but. Why did I think this party was any different than the ones before? Why did I trust LuAnn??? I guess it was because she was a pretty convincing madame.
She told me, "I am a woman and just like you, I throw parties for women." Oh, she threw parties for women alright-women of the night! And I have nothing against women of the night; but PLEASE, stop luring unsuspecting swingers into your events. For one thing, I always choose the people I want to play with. Do I really want to go to a party filled with hookers where the men think I'm one of the hookers they can pay money to fuck? No way.
Rocco and I started discussing our exit strategy as soon as we made this realization. Another couple in their late 50s walked in to the party. I wanted to warn them, but I was more concerned about getting the fuck out of there. The male half of the couple asked LuAnn how much she paid for rent. Fabulous topic of conversation. Maybe he wanted to find a place and throw his own events and join the club of sleazy sex party promoters. Sheesh!
I saw LuAnn make out with one of the single men who had been starring at me like a piece of raw meat. How about instead of starring, come and say hi? As we walked towards the door to make our exit, a lad wearing a checkered Scottish-style beret snuck up behind me and said "Hi...hi...hi." Yes, he said it in a really creepy manner about three times. It was one thing that he was old enough to be my dad (and sorry, I do not have some sort of reverse-Oedipus complex), but another that he was a total creep. I looked around and the so-called swingers party had quickly revealed itself for what it truly was--more than a dozen single males waiting to fuck the prostitute Lala and maybe, as an added bonus, an unsuspecting lady in a couple. Rocco and I stood in the bedroom as more and more single males were greeted by our fabulous hostess, LuAnn.
Another man just walked in as we layed low in the bedroom. He asked LuAnn if there were any people already at the party. He didn't want to hand over any money before he took a look inside. But as soon as he saw me, he gladly handed over his buck twenty. I had seen enough and I was thoroughly disgusted. Rocco and I couldn't be happier to leave. As bad as the party was, I'm glad to know that none of the readers of Swing in the City were at this so-called "swingers party." And, I am happy to report this fake ass party to everyone to make you all aware of what really happens at these kinds of places. In fact, the new School of Sex website will have a party review section where all our members can rate all the parties and clubs in the city (and, throughout the world). This way, we can share our opinions and change the NYC swingers community for the better.
For more information on finding real, attractive couples, I suggest you check out Kasidie and SexxyMofo.
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