Sex Advice

Slip, Slide, or Stick: Friction and Lubrication

Your hand slipping over your lover's back, metal pieces sliding past each other in a car engine, and even blood flowing in your blood vessels all involve friction. A little friction is a good thing in the bedroom, but a whole industry has developed to provide products to keep sexual friction under control.

Listen to the podcast with roboreaders Audrey and Paul.

The amount of friction between two surfaces depends on the roughness of the materials, their chemical composition, and the force pressing the materials together. A lubricant is any substance that reduces friction. Some lubricants are powders, such as graphite, but the lubricants involved in sex are generally liquids, gels, and creams.

Lubricants for sex, which are often called personal lubricants or simply lubes, come in a dizzying array of varieties. There are water-based, silicone-based, and petroleum-based lubes. Some lubes include fragrances; others are edible and offer an array of succulent flavors. Many lubes feature additives such as pigments and dyes, anesthetics, moisturizers, preservatives, and chemicals that warm or cool skin.

How do you know which to choose? The Physics of friction and lubrication can help you figure out the best lube for you and your partner, no matter what activity you have in mind.

Natural Lubricants

The human body is a complex machine, with hundreds of moving parts. Like all machines, it needs lubricants. Elbows, knees, ankles and the rest of your joints would eventually grind themselves to dust if they lacked lubrication. Tears lubricate your eyeballs, saliva lubricates your mouth and throat, and your skin is constantly moistened with sweat and oils to keep it supple as millions of skin cells jostle against each other.

The natural lubricants most important for sex are saliva, vaginal fluids, and male pre-ejaculate.

Saliva consists primarily of water and mucus. Mucus is made of long proteins called mucins, which are coated in compounds related to sugars. The mucins bind to water to make saliva slippery.

The slipperiness of saliva mucus makes it a convenient lubricant for oral sex, hand jobs, and anal sex. Unfortunately the high proportion of water in saliva makes it dry out quickly as the water evaporates.

Vaginal fluids are also packed with mucins to ease penetration and protect vaginal linings from germs. In addition, vaginal fluids include various acids to provide the right chemical environment for sperm, and sugars that nourish sperm swimming through the vaginal fluid toward the ovaries.

Women produce vaginal fluids when they become sexually aroused. The amount varies depending on their age, health, and the timing of their menstrual cycle. Smoking just before sex can reduce fluid production by diminishing blood flow to the vaginal lining. Antihistamines and other drugs can reduce natural lubrication as well. All women need a little lubrication help from time to time, and even the most abundantly lubricating women may need to supplement their vaginal fluid with saliva or artificial lubricants - for extended love sessions.

Men produce some lubricant as well. The Cowper's gland near the prostate secretes a small amount of slippery fluid commonly called pre-ejaculate or pre-cum. Some sex experts believe it helps to lubricate the head of the penis before penetrating a woman's vagina, but most men only produce a few drops and it is often ill timed for insertion. It's more likely that the Cowper's fluid prepares the urethra for the passage of sperm by adjusting acidity, clearing out any traces of urine, and lining the urethra with a slippery, sugar-rich energy source to get the sperm swimming.

There is some lubrication in the anus, but nowhere near enough for most anal sex activities. Generally, you're going to need to bring along some artificial lube for anal play.

Water-Based Lubes

Pure water is an excellent lubricant - sometimes. If you've ever slipped on a wet tile floor, or nearly broken your neck stepping into a tub, you know how slick water can be. Many lubes consist primarily of water.

Unfortunately, water can sometimes dramatically increase friction instead. For example, people may lick a finger to add friction before turning a page in a magazine. Slightly moistening your hands will give you a better grip when trying to take the lid off of a jar, provided you don't make your hands too wet.

When you step into a tub, you usually experience a little of both water's lubrication and its tackiness. After initially sliding over the bottom of a filled tub, your feet will suddenly gain traction, giving you much more grip than you would have had if the tub were totally dry.

The two radically different properties of water stem from the attraction that water molecules have for each other and for some other materials. Materials that attract water are called hydrophilic, or water loving, and materials that are not attracted to water are hydrophobic, or water hating. Water beads up on a freshly polished car because the polish is hydrophobic and repels water. Rain droplets spread out on a car that needs waxing because the old oxidized polish is hydrophilic and attracts water.

Water is a liquid because the attraction between the molecules is too weak to turn it into a solid and they slip and slide over each other. It's strong enough, however, to bind water into small droplets when it falls as rain or runs down a window pane.

When your foot slips as you're stepping into a tub, it's because there's a thick layer of water between your foot and the porcelain. The mild attraction between the water molecules makes them act a bit like tiny marbles, with very low friction.

As you put weight on your foot, you squeeze most of the water out of the way, until there is a very thin layer between your skin and the tub. In some places, the layer is only a few molecules thick. Because your skin and the surface of the tub are slightly water-loving, the molecules are attracted to both. The slight attraction the water molecules have for the tub and your foot combine to give you traction.

It's because of the dual lubricating and adhesive properties of water that making love in a pool tub may seem like a good idea, but rarely turns out well. Your skin slides easily over your lover's skin, as long as the contact is light and there is a lot of water between the two of you. Once your skin presses together, you lose water's lubricating properties and the adhesion takes over, which can make vaginal and anal penetration particularly rough experiences.

But it's possible to exploit the forces between molecules to ensure that water stays slippery. That's what's going on in water-based lubes. These types of lubricants work in one of two ways; either by ensuring that the water molecules clump together so that you are less likely to get a thin adhesive layer, or by reducing the water molecules' attraction to each other and other hydrophilic materials. Some lubes have ingredients that do both.

Mixing in glycerin is one way to make water molecules clump together and form a good liquid lubricant. Glycerin is a small molecule that's hydrophilic in two places. As a result, water can attach to each side of a glycerin molecule. Another glycerin then attaches to the water, and so on. Eventually long molecular strings will form. If you could see the mixture through a powerful enough microscope, you would see that the strings tangle up like spaghetti. They slip and slide, like a plate of heavily buttered pasta noodles. To the naked eye, the result is a clear liquid that is much thicker and slicker than water.

The binding between the glycerin and water is weak enough that water molecules can break free of the mixture. They may then evaporate or get absorbed into your skin, which means that lubes relying on glycerin to hold water molecules together will slowly dry out. The glycerin molecules that have lost their water will be mildly attracted to your skin, which makes the lube get sticky as it dries. Adding a little water will restore the glycerin lube's slipperiness.

Glycerin is related to the sugar glucose. If you taste some, you will see that glycerin lubes are sweet. Like sugar, glycerin is a good energy source and sometimes serves as a nutrient for microbes. Women may find that glycerin lubes foster yeast infections. If you or your lover suffers from frequent vaginal infections, look for glycerin-free water-based lubes. There are several other molecules that can hold water together as glycerin does, without feeding populations of vaginal bacteria and fungi.

Another way to make water stay slippery is by mixing it in a gel. Gel lubricants get their jelly-like consistency from long molecules of protein rather than short glycerin molecules. The proteins in gels have many places along their lengths that attract water. Chemical treatments or heat cause the long molecules to crosslink, which means that they connect to each other in some places.

It's like tying pieces of string together at random places to make a loose, three-dimensional web. Water molecules get trapped in the web at the hydrophilic points along the protein molecules. Food gelatins, like Jello, trap water the same way.

The more places that the molecules are connected in a crosslinked gel, the more rigid and jelly-like the gel will be. Like glycerin lubes, water-based gels may dry out in time. Because they're more complex than liquids, with water trapped in a net of crosslinked proteins, you cannot rejuvenate them as well by simply adding water. It's better to add fresh gel if it gets too dry.

Some lubes rely on chemicals called surfactants that reduce the attraction between water molecules. Instead of ensuring that there is a thick layer of water between your skin and your lover's skin, surfactants make thin layers of water less adhesive. They're generally medium length molecules, longer than glycerin and shorter than most proteins.

Surfactant molecules each have a hydrophilic connection at one end. Surfactant molecules link up with water, effectively making the molecules larger and more bulky. This keeps them farther apart. The attraction that water molecules feel for each other gets much weaker if they are even slightly separated. The reduced attraction also reduces the adhesion of the surfactant-water mix.

Many gel and liquid lubes include surfactants to make the water in them ultra slippery.

Water-based lubes are safe for use with latex condoms and diaphragms, as well as all sex toys. They wash off easily with nothing more than warm water. Of course, that means they rinse away too readily for making love in the bath.

Oil-based Lubes

Some lubes don't include any water at all. Lubricants based on vegetable oils and petroleum products are often very slick and long lasting. Vegetable oils common in lubes include olive, sesame, and palm oils, to name just a few of the many possible varieties. Most petroleum-based lubes are varying grades of petroleum jelly, with Vaseline being the best known brand.

Both plant oils and petroleum lubricants are made of hydrocarbon chains, long strings of carbon atoms with hydrogen atoms attached to the sides. The texture of petroleum-based lubes is determined primarily by the lengths of the carbon chains.

Molecules made of chains ten to fifteen carbon atoms long form mineral oils and light watery lubricants. Longer chains are heavier and clump together to form jellies like Vaseline. Still longer chains result in paraffin wax.

Vegetable oils are a little more complicated. They're also made of hydrocarbon chains. However, they typically consist of multiple chains linked together by a glycerin molecule. Like petroleum products, heavier oils usually are made of longer chains. In addition, light, watery oils can be made to solidify by changing the number of hydrogen atoms attached to the chains, through a process known as hydrogenation. Margarine and shortening are made from light vegetable oils that have been hydrogenated.

Hydrocarbon chains that make up oils are highly hydrophobic. If you've ever made salad dressing with oil and vinegar (which is mostly water) you've seen how hard it is to mix the two.

The molecules in oils and petroleum products don't attract each other or your skin very strongly, which is why they're slippery.

You might think oils and petroleum jellies would be easier to clean off of your body if they're not as strongly attracted to your skin as is water, but that's clearly not the case. One reason it's harder to remove hydrocarbon lubes is that their large molecules don't evaporate very well. If you get water on your skin, just wait a while and it'll dry all by itself. Oils and petroleum products will stick around for ages with little or no sign of evaporation, which is good for long lovemaking sessions, but not so great for the post-coital clean up.

The fact that the lubes are hydrophobic also means that you cannot simply rinse them off with water. To remove the lubes you'll need to wash with soap.

Many men prefer oils and petroleum products over water-based lubes for masturbation. Some people feel that they are better suited for anal sex because the petroleum jellies in particular are heavier and last longer. Hydrophobic vegetable oils and petroleum lubes work well in the tub or pool because they won't rinse away.

Unfortunately, all oils and petroleum products dissolve latex, and should never be used in combination with latex condoms, diaphragms, and latex sex toys. It's also generally a bad idea to use them for vaginal sex because the soap necessary to clean the lubes away removes the protective vaginal mucous as well. This leaves the delicate membranes open to infection.

Silicone-based Lubes

Some of the newest lubes on the market are silicones. Silicone molecules have essentially the same structure as petroleum except that the long carbon chains are replaced by chains of alternating silicon and oxygen atoms. Like oils and petroleum products they are hydrophobic, long lasting lubes. They're just as slippery as oils but will not dissolve latex. They wash off with soapy water, making them less than ideal as vaginal lubricants but much better alternatives for anal sex when latex condoms are involved.

There are also water-based lubes that replace glycerin with dimethicone, a silicone molecule that can link water molecules into long slippery just as glycerin does. They're good lubrication alternatives for vaginal intercourse if you want to avoid glycerin. Like all water-based lubes, those that include dimethicone wash off easily with water and are no good in the tub or pool. They're safe to use in conjunction with latex products, but will still damage silicone sex toys.

Emulsions and Creams

Although water and oil don't mix as a rule, there's a way to almost make them get together, which leads to another type of lubricant - emulsions. Surfactants do the trick. You've already seen that surfactant molecules that are hydrophilic on one end can make water more slippery. If the other end of the surfactant molecule is hydrophobic, then it can help get water and oil molecules close together, even if they don't actually mix.

Creams and many creamy lotions are emulsions. If you mix a surfactant in water and then add oil, the surfactant molecules will surround oil droplets with their water-hating ends pointed in, toward the oil, and their water-loving ends pointed outward. The surfactants create tiny balloons of oil in the water called micelles. The oil and water still don't actually mix, but the micelles act like large dissolved particles in the water. Mayonnaise is a common emulsion of vegetable oil and water, with a bit of egg white mixed in to act as an emulsifying surfactant.

All emulsions, including most lubes advertised as creams or lotions, have either oil or silicone mixed with water. Be sure to check the ingredients before using an emulsion in combination with latex or silicone prophylactics and toys; all the same precautions apply for emulsions as do for simple oils, petroleum jellies, and silicones.

To summarize. . .

- Water-based lubes are usually safe with latex condoms as well as silicone and rubber, provided they don't have any oils or silicone surfactants. (Check the label to be certain.) They're also easy to clean up.

- Oil and petroleum lubes are super slick and long lasting, but destroy latex condoms and toys, and are hard to wash off.

- And finally, silicone lubes are also very slick and long lasting, but don't harm latex products. Although they can be as tough to clean as oils, and will damage silicone toys

The options for sexual lubes are vast. So which is best for you? It's hard to say, but I can't think of a better way to answer the question than buying several types and spending a night trying them out. It'll be a slippery, sloppy session of sexual fun, and in the end I hope you'll have a new appreciation for the physics of friction and lubrication.

Next time . . . Pumped Up and Ready for Love: Fluid Physics and Sex

Surefire Ways to Hit the G Spot

Ready to launch your own G-spot expedition? Here are some tips, techniques and toys to help you locate and enjoy this divine piece of real estate. While some women enjoy stimulating the G-spot with their fingers, others prefer the ?filled up? feeling of a vibrator. G-spot vibrators are specially curved or shaped to stimulate your personal pleasure spot. Some Womens favourites include the
Read more... - Surefire Ways to Hit...

Ten Types of Orgasms Women Can Have:

Did you know that there are ten types of orgasms women can have?Here's a breif summary of each one, also are suggestions that can help you with each one. If you'd like to read more on Orgasms , how to have them, give them and keep them coming? I strongly recommend Lou Paget?s Book ?The Big O? - it is a great book that debunks myths, explains the physical & mental side of orgasms, the male and
Read more... - Ten Types of Orgasms...

Marital Aid Test Kitchen: The Delldo

Among the innovations announced at this year's Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas was no attempt by computer manufacturer Dell to address the domestic sensual electronics market.

Not unveiled by Dell founder, namesake, and CEO Michael Dell at this morning's keynote address, the Delldo is part of Dell's Gear Up! campaign which also includes a 27" monitor and a "World of Warcraft"-branded notebook computer.

Join us for a preview of the Delldo Home Erotic System that never was (but might well be!) after the gap. - GP

- - -

Conceding that Europeans already enjoy broadband advances like fiber-to-the-home, Dell said that the Delldo, a customizable dual-core "multi-insertion-point web-enabled phallus" was just the thing to keep Americans competitive.

Dell started Dell Computer from his dorm room at the University of Texas, Austin in 1984 with $1,000. The distinctive Delldo design is reminiscent of the UT Longhorn logo.

The Delldo comes pre-loaded with Windows Vista and a webcam with proprietary blogging software for use in Dell's proposed social networking portal, Cock Planet.

"What sets our products apart is customer service," Dell said, acknowledging criticism of help desk efficiency in 2006. "But our consumer model is only aided by the scaleability of our products." To that end, Dell pointed out that "gaping" could be offset by easily-installed upgrades up to six inches in girth and 13" in length.

"And two dollars from each Delldo purchase will go to planting a tree in a managed forest," Dell added, "to offset whatever emissions you or the Delldo produce while using it."

"Enter the future, and let the future enter you," Dell concluded.

(None of this is true. But we can dream, can't we?)

· Dell (dell.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

How To Have Sex With A Woman Who Is Not Your Wife

Dear Nina and Rita,

I?m 38 years old and I lucked out in life and met the girl of my dreams in high school, and we?ve been married almost 20 years. The sex has been getting better and better as our kids are now old enough to entertain themselves, and we have a lot more time. The only problem is that we were both virgins when we started dating, and have been each other?s only sex partner. I can?t help wondering what I may have missed. Don?t get me wrong, we have an active sex life, and have been somewhat adventurous. I just have this nagging feeling that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. How do I let this go without having an affair, which I don?t want to do?

Signed,
Nathan

Dear Nathan,

Having sex with another woman will probably not be better than having sex with your wife. In fact, you will probably be so nervous that you won't even be able to get an erection.

And yet, having sex with another woman could still be one of those life-enriching experiences like volunteering at a homeless shelter or seeing the Grand Canyon. If your marriage is so fucking awesome, then you and your wife should try swinging. Sure, "swinger" seems like the one label you don't want associated with your identity, but you?ll feel better when you browse thousands of profiles of regular couples on reputable adult dating websites. (We?re not giving URLs because Rita and her ex-boyfriend forgot to take down their profile after breaking up.)

The nice thing about swinging is that you don?t have to lie to your wife. But, the hard thing about swinging is that you have to be honest with your wife. We suggest you tell her that you are very happy in the marriage, and you have recently become aware of some new sexual needs that develop quite naturally from becoming a middle-aged adult within a stable family lifestyle. You might even tell her that you feel there?s a lot of confusing messages in our culture, so that having an affair or denying oneself seem to be the most popular, yet unappealing, solutions. And then, take a deep breath and tell her that you want try wife-swapping.

Does it make the conversation easier or harder to assume that, deep down, your wife feels the same way? She?s curious about making love with other men. Before you have this conversation with her, you must become totally comfortable about her making love with other men. If you?re not comfortable with your wife making love with other men, then you are not ready to be a swinger, and you?re not worthy of our advice.

After you and your wife have reassured each other that you are totally in love with each other and completely happy in your marriage, then you can put a profile online and start flirting with other couples. A good couples dating website will have a list of rules and guidelines to help you establish appropriate contact with other couples. You?ve missed the era of online dating, so be warned that there are some fakes out there, but after a while you?ll be able to spot who is serious.

Before you make arrangements to meet potential couples face-to-face, you and your wife need to agree upon what you are seeking. Just like singles, some couples are looking for one night stands, while others want an ongoing connection. In the beginning, it?s fine for you and wife to say that you are "exploring the scene" if you're not sure what kind of relationship you want. However, you absolutely must establish your boundaries--what body parts and activities are off limits--before you find yourselves in a hot tub with a randy schoolteacher and dentist couple from the suburbs.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

I Want To Take Off My Clothes for Strangers

Dear Nina and Rita,

I?ve had exhibitionist fantasies ever since I was a girl, but I?ve been too nervous about the possible ramifications to act them out. A few years ago, when I turned 35, I bought a webcam and found a way to engage in my fantasies in a manner I was comfortable with, namely, exposing myself in chat rooms. About six months ago, I finally confessed to my then boyfriend (now fiance) what I had been doing, which he actually already suspected. He didn?t want me to go on webcam on my own anymore, which I totally understand, and we tried several times to figure out a way for both of us to take part in this. We did have some fun (a virtual threesome was a highlight). But it became clear that what I wanted to do (expose myself to a lot of people) was hurtful to him, and the qualifiers he needed (fewer people viewing me, couples or women with webcams in exchange only) just frustrated me. So we?ve dropped the subject. My problem is that I?m really feeling that drive to be on webcam again, but I wouldn?t do it unless my fiance would be OK with it. But I don?t think that is likely to happen. So what do I do?

Signed,
Extraordinary Exhibitionist

Dear Extraordinary Exhibitionist,

It depends on how badly you want to get married. If you?re willing to give up the one thing that really turns you on in exchange for a pretty ring and all the accompanying privileges, then you should destroy your webcam. And stop reading now.

Oh, wait, read this paragraph, too. We consulted an expert, Trixie the Wandering Webwhore, who makes her living doing x-rated camshows. Trixie says, "I believe that promising to give up the freedom to show off to whomever she wants whenever she wants will be the beginning of the end of their relationship." Why? "She will never be able to give up the desire to taste and experience that forbidden fruit," Trixie says, "But if she continues to do shows to a limited audience he prescribes as being in his comfort zone, he will still always suspect she?s cheating. And she will always want to cheat."

The thing is, EE, it?s not like he?s asking you to give up some small thing. It?s not like he?s saying no more Grey Goose--from now on we only drink Stoli! You've had this fantasy for years and years, so you must have felt liberated when webcam technology enabled you to act out your fantasy in a safe context. "Her fantasies have revolved around exhibitionism since childhood," Trixie says, "So it sounds like an integral part of her personality and her fantasy life."

There?s nothing wrong with wanting what you want. You?re not hurting anyone. Are you really hurting your fiance? It?s hard to say. Perhaps his ego is wounded because you don't want to follow his rules to pamper his sexual insecurities. At the same time, he's probably attracted to your exhibitionist side. Some men who fall in love with exhibitionists try to lay down boundaries to protect themselves, without fully understanding the nature of the fetish. By asking you to limit your exposure to couples and women, your fiance ignores the fact that nothing compares to an actual or virtual roomful of anonymous leering men. Rita used to be a stripper, and then her boyfriend said, "You can still strip, but only for me." And that kind of ruined it, especially since he forgot to bring dollar bills.

Nina believes that many men still cannot handle women?s alternative sexualities outside of casual encounters. Even liberal, experimental men get stuck thinking that their wives should not be slutty. Trixie advises you to put a hold on making a further commitment like marriage while you try to work this out. "If the relationship is special enough to salvage, they should consider getting a counselor to help them sort through this." Think about how you will frame the issue for the counselor: it's not about whether or not you can contain your desires. It's about your fiance's discomfort when you look elsewhere for something he cannot give you. If all else fails, do what Trixie did and find yourself a sexy exhibitionist boyfriend.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

How to Decide Between True Love and Hot Sex

Dear Nina and Rita,

I am 23 years old and I have to make a difficult decision. I had met someone who I thought was my soul mate. We can call her Kim. We were together for eight months and living together. Then Kim had to go away for school, far away. Months later, Kim broke up with me because she had to really find out if girls are for her. When we were apart, it tore me apart. It was the saddest time of my life. I said I would do anything for Kim, and I would always want her back, even though she didn?t want to be with me anymore. For months, I begged and pleaded for her to come back to me. Then, eventually, I let go and moved forward for the betterment of my life. I soon was much happier with my new girlfriend who was fun, hot, young and exciting. Best of all, we had amazing sex. I thought everything was going great. Then, one day, Kim called me and said that she wanted me back! I was thrilled and didn?t even care at the same time. I was happy with my new girlfriend. ?The ship has sailed,? I told Kim. Then, after a couple of weeks, I realized that I should get back with Kim because of what we once shared. Now I realize that we have both changed, and that I am not ready for a long distance relationship. I see the girl I broke up with all the time and we still have crazy sexual tension that we both want to act on. I just don?t know if I can be strong when Kim is away at school for the next eight months. I had the best sex ever with this new girl and I crave her all the time. Obviously, you see my problem. I can?t decide between these two girls.

Signed,
Lesbian Drama Queen

Dear Lesbian Drama Queen,

Look here, the biggest perk of being a young lesbian is that you can have two girlfriends. Simply tell people that you are fighting patriarchal oppression, subverting traditional gender roles, and challenging the heterosexual status quo. That?s what lesbians used to do, and none of the conservative Christians could come up with legislation to regulate such radical behavior, although Pat Robertson did try very hard to persuade us that lesbians practice witchcraft and destroy capitalism. Those were the days, eh? Your lesbian foremothers suffered so that you can now enjoy a basic human right: the right to decide between true love and hot sex.

There is no correct choice, but pretty much everyone who is faced with this decision chooses true love. However, your circumstances are especially complicated because you can?t see Kim very often while she?s away at school. If you stay with Kim, you will learn some hard lessons about patience, self-control, and devotion. You must be careful to avoid running into the other girl. If you commit to a monogamous relationship, you and Kim are obligated to fulfill each other?s sexual needs, no matter how infrequently you see each other. You must find creative ways to express your sexuality with Kim, such as phone sex, cybersex, and old-fashioned love letters. You cannot simply set aside your sex drive for eight months. You need to send each other naked pictures, write each other naughty stories, and buy each other erotic toys for masturbation. Otherwise, one or both of you will eventually stray.

On the other hand, you?ve got something nice at home, which could likely get serious with a little nurturing. Try not to worry too much about whether or not she?s your soul mate. Instead, enjoy the sex and be open to what you can learn about relationships. Many lesbians do not find their life partners until they are in their 30s or 40s, so it?s not like the dating pool will dry up. The good news is that you don?t need to feel regrets, no matter who you choose. These big choices shape you into a more interesting person.

Still, you can?t keep going back and forth between these two girls, unless all three of you agree to dismantle the patriarchy, or at least to try open relationships. Some psychologists believe we should not expect one person to fulfill all of our emotional and sexual needs. Since you have a heightened awareness of what each girl has to offer, you may be an ideal candidate for an open relationship. To find out more, go to the video store and rent Mango Kiss, a silly but accurate depiction of non-monogamous lesbians who are trying to figure out your same problems. And then buy The Ethical Slut, a book that helps you manage jealousy in open relationships.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.

Why She Hasn't Returned Your Call

Dear Nina and Rita,

I?ve known this girl from work for a few years. We've always been friends, but four months ago our relationship became sexual even though she was in a relationship, and he was living with her. I know this is wrong, but everyone knows he is not a great guy. One day, a while back, he smacked her outside of our workplace. She repeatedly told me how she hates him, and doesn?t love him anymore. But she kept him around to help pay the mortgage. Yes, she was using him. She said, after a few drinks, that she was falling in love with me and loves me. I never said it back because I?ve been hurt in the past when I fall for girls. I did tell her many times I would like to be with her, that I wanted her to dump him, and that I would help figure out her finances, not pay them. Cut to now: she has left our workplace because she got a better job and I haven?t heard from her since. I called and text-messaged her for a few days in a row, and then stopped. I haven?t called her for two weeks now. I don?t understand how someone can say they love someone and then turn around and drop all contact. If she is done with our affair, I can handle that, but why doesn?t she tell me? I developed feelings for her and I would still like to be her friend. What should I do? Send her a letter? Stop by her new job? Call her one more time?

Signed,
The Other Man

Dear The Other Man,

This is one of the sweetest and saddest fables of love. Your story, with all its sentimental baggage, describes a rite of passage that reveals the frail vulnerability of the heart and the infuriating irrationality of the psyche. As we read each sentence of your letter, we smile a kind, forgiving smile. We want you to curl up in the crook of our arm, and we?ll say, "There, there."

Like any cultural myth, your story?s purpose is to try to explain an unexplainable phenomenon. How can someone say they love someone and then turn around and drop all contact? By definition, the answer to your question lies in your own telling of the timeless myth. She hasn?t called you back because that?s what the character of this myth does. Unfortunately, you won?t understand why she hasn?t called you back until you inadvertently take on another role in this triangular myth: you, avoiding an anxious lover?s secret messages. Until then, you don?t need to understand why she hasn?t called you back. All you need to know is that she does not want to be with you anymore and there?s nothing you can do about it.

If she?s still with her boyfriend, then they?ve got a hell of a delicate arrangement and you should stay the hell away, despite your lingering feelings. She wanted you to give her everything her boyfriend gave her, except the domestic violence part. She really really needed someone to help pay her bills. We?re not suggesting that you should have put on your red cape and swooped in to rescue her, but we think that?s what she was looking for. You had the best intentions, and you offered her a path toward financial independence and a better life. She chose not to take that risk. And that?s that.

There are other possibilities, too. Maybe she?s making more money at her new job, and she?s going to develop financial independence without your help. Perhaps she felt hurt that you couldn?t say you loved her. Maybe she regards you as an immature nuisance who wants free nookie. If you want to make one last go at it, you probably have a 14% chance of winning her back. Why not go to her workplace and make a huge Hollywood spectacle with a dozen red roses, etc? The only problem is that if her boyfriend hears about it, he might beat her up. And then you?ll have to beat him up. That may be the end of it, unless he decides to shoot both of you and then shoot himself. It couldn?t hurt to check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline website before you go.

All our love and more,
Nina and Rita

Got questions for Nina and Rita? Need sex advice? Send your questions anonymously using this form.